My Vaccine Diary

My thoughts pre, post, and six days after I received the 1st dose of the vaccine.

3/5/21 — Before Vaccine B. V.

Today I am getting the 1st dose of either the Pfizer or Moderna vaccine. It feels like a giant nervous exhale.

Do I trust science? Yes.

Do I fear the unknown? Yes yes.

Do I want a resemblance of normalcy? Yes yes, yes?

Over the last 365ish days I’ve done so little “physically” but feel like I’ve done a lot of soul searching. Reevaluating priorities. Soccer, social justice, my whiteness, and more…

It feels like I’ve missed a year of experiences. Of celebrations, trips, matches, joy, new friendships, renewing old ones, etc.

I feel I’ve learned how much I miss family. How I’ve neglected them and other close friends.

I’ve learned (learning) how insignificant a telstar is while also understanding how I can make a difference. If I focus and shift priorities to something meaningful and future fulfilling.

It (getting the 1st dose of the vaccine) feels like a normal thing that feels decidedly unnormal.

It feels like a golden ticket that is a double sided coin.

I feel fortunate AND unworthy.

It feels real and too good to be true.

3/5/21 — After Vaccine A.V.

I was anxious as hell B. V.

Was it the entire process?

Was it a bit of guilt?

Was it a mix of emotions overwhelming me?

Was it…. a lot?

Was it real?

YES

As I had thought the entire process was decidedly normal. The staff (StarMed / National Guard) was nice, friendly, helpful, and human. The lady who administered the vaccine was kind, made conversation, and calmed my nerves with her presence. It was over seemingly quickly and lasted start to finish roughly 40 minutes. I tried to soak up the experience. As an introvert I tend to sit back and process. Scope out people and my surroundings. I’ve not been able to do that in nearly a year. It was remarkable how friendly the staff were and it challenged my thoughts as someone who works with the public.

If they can muster the energy to omit positivity during all this I have no excuse but to try and pay that forward.

3/11 — Looking back and looking ahead

Today is one day shy of a week since I received the first dose of the Pfizer vaccine. Coincidently enough I happened to bike past Bank of America stadium. Current home of Carolina Panthers and future home of Charlotte FC in Uptown Charlotte, NC. Today it wasn’t going to be housing rowdy or casual sports fans but people seeking a sense of normalcy via the vaccine. I was struck by the sheer volume of people crossing the street each eventually waiting to get their temperature checked for what I believe was the first step of being “checked-in” for their appointment.

When I saw them I was reminded of all the conflicting feelings I had on 3/5/21. I am for the most part void of overarching emotions or grandiose thoughts. I feel “normal” I suppose. Patiently waiting for 3/26 (my appointment for the 2nd dose) to come so that I can feel a sense of normalcy. So that I can move on to the moments of life I have missed this last year.

My goal in writing down my feelings, thoughts, and emotions about this experience was simple. I hope to be able to look back on this and remember. Not as a way of pitying myself or glorifying my anguish. I was hoping to if nothing else release those emotions. To put them on paper (or type them) as a way of commemorating them. To allow myself to process what I was going through in a way that feels meaningful.

Why I decided to share them is equally important. Maybe someone else feels similarly. Hell, maybe no one will identify with them. That’s also ok. I wanted to take a step back and allow myself to process this moment off line. To be blatantly honest because I tend to share before I think. Which is fine don’t get my wrong. The urge to immediately share your thoughts is a powerful one. The sense of not feeling alone can be achieved in that act. Even if no one interacts with it. I also feel it has allowed me to not fully process what I’m going through in the past. To just move on to the next thing to be angry about. Anger has a place but it is only one emotion.

In conclusion. I hope this diary serves as a reminder to myself to remember. To allow myself to sit in emotions. To process those emotions and fight the urge to move on quickly. It’s easy as a man, as a millennial to ignore the vulnerable side and swipe to the next thing.

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